my thoughts on: c-sections

let me just warn you upfront. this is going to be kind of journaly. i've had these thoughts milling around in my head for a while, and i just need to get them out and written down.

after my labor with finley, we knew we were in store for more c-sections. here's why...

my labor was totally the opposite of a text-book labor. my first contractions were really painful and close together {3 minutes on the dot}. i labored at home from friday night around 8 until sunday morning, when my midwife decided we needed to head for the hospital. she couldn't explain why my body wouldn't dialate past 6, but she knew we needed an epidural, pitocin, and sleep.  as soon as i got settled in the hospital bed, my water broke and things started to progress.  when it came time to push i  was so happy that my epidural was weak enough that i could still feel everything happening. my nurses and midwife coached me, brian held my legs, and it was exactly how i always pictured it. except after a while we realized nothing was happening. her head never budged. we tried different positions and techniques, my midwife tried rotating finley's head, and nothing was helping. after two hours my midewife made it clear that she didn't think i'd be able to deliever finley. there were some other things going on {i developed a fever, and finley's heartrate had dropped}, but the main concern was that her gosh darn head would not come down even a teensy tiny bit.  i asked her to let me try pushing for one more hour. so for one more hour we pushed, switched positions, pushed, and nothing. so we were whisked off for surgery. during the surgery i tried not to listen to the doctors and all the surgery sounds. i kept focused on brian's face, and tried to pay attention while he distracted me. still though, i heard the operating team say things like, 'get me a stool. the baby is really wedged in the birth canal. i need more leverage'. and 'we need a nurse to push her head up from the outside'. finally they got her out. she was blue, not crying, and not moving. they slapped her a few times, gave her some oxygen, and she gave out the most glorious scream. when brian was able to bring her over to me, it was love at first sight. despite the fact that she had the WORST cone head and laceration on the top of her head. the poor thing really, truly was stuck in my pelvis. during my recovery my midwife tried to explain what had happened. she told us that my pelvis isn't shaped like most peoples, and i would never be able to deliver naturally. at the time, i was too googely eyed over my beautiful girl to really process or care about what she was telling me.

i couldn't have asked for a better recovery, it was fast, and i wasn't in too much pain.  two and half years later it was time for adalaide to join the world. i knew i'd be having another c-section, and i had mostly come to terms with it. i found that having a repeat, planned c-section was 1,000 times better. i was prepared emotionally. and this time my body and baby, hadn't gone through a long, stressful labor. the mood in the OR was lighthearted. my midwife, the surgeon and the nurses worked to make my experience as special as could be, given the situation. and again i had an amazing recovery.

now, baby no. 3 is right around the corner, and i wish more than anything that i could deliver naturally. you have no idea. i've watched friends and family deliever babies {my sisters do it at home in horse troughs!!!} and every part of me wishes i could do it too {maybe not the horse trough part}. no matter how i spin it, c-sections are not ideal. i'm thankful that we have them, but they aren't ideal.

but as i've been working through my disappointment and praying about it, i had this thought: God knows me. He knows my heart and my desires. I believe He gave me that crazy, unusally long, incredibly memorable labor with finley, so that i could have that experience. so that i could remember it forever. And i do. I still remember every single detail. especially the hours i spent pushing, looking to brian while he counted and encouraged me. As much as I wish it didn't have to be this way, I feel so thankful for my experience.

No matter how many kids join our family, I'll only have one true labor story to tell. But isn't God wonderful for giving me a doozy of a story?